Friday, 12 April 2013

HP Friday: Diversionary Centaur Pun

From Gemma Correll

It's topical, see, because of Firenze and the Anti-Umbridge Centaur Brigade.

I realize that no amount of centaur puns will distract from the horrible sadness that is this week's section of Order of the Phoenix, but I had to try.

Oh, wait, but how about this, said of Hermione on page 632: "Nobody was foolish enough to snap back, so she was unable to vent her spleen on any of them."


Gross, right? Totally gross.

Alright, alright, I guess we can talk about the horrible sadness. I got to the Department of Mysteries and I wanted to stop reading and substitute an ending of my own. Turns out, Sirius kills Bellatrix. And Voldemort. And then lives happily ever after in a sprawling-if-run-down country manor with Harry and Dobby and Dumbledore and Fawkes. And Hagrid.

*Sunset Arms*

Alas, it is not to be. What makes it so sad is that Sirius' death has that horrible element of doubt that comes with the death of any loved one. No, no way, they can't really be gone. All he did was fall through a veil! Surely you can come back from that. I was certain that our man Black would pull a Gandalf and reappear on the hunt for Horcruxes, but double alas, that's not to be, either.

And you know what, I was about to go through a list of things that smashed my heart into wailing pieces, like Harry's breakdown in Dumbledore's office, and the mirror (oh god the mirror), but I don't fucking want to. And that's the reason why, though it's been solidly proven to be a wonderful book, OotP will forever remain the one I read the least. Screw you, OotP.

Too soon? YUP.

Now on to the next one where we'll all feel better until the next guy drops. GOD, JK.

18 comments:

  1. The next one has people in looove! Which is always fun. Also Slughorn.

    VENTING ONE'S SPLEEN IS A TIME-HONORED EXPRESSION THANK YOU VERY MUCH

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    1. I love Slughorn. Especially Jim Broadbent Slughorn.

      BEING TIME HONOURED DOES NOT MAKE IT NOT GROSS.

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    2. Teenagers in love, to be exact! And not just any teenagers -- teenagers who can hex each other when they get jealous. I'm excited.

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  2. I second Alice's remark! Venting spleen is a thing that people have said for a very long time and I also say it so I am in support of people continuing to say it the end.

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    1. Oh they and you can say it all they and you want. That will not stop me from taking a moment to "Eaurgh!" at it. (Because seriously, dudes. Seriously.)

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  3. Yeah, it's pretty much the worst. Although maybe the couple in the final book (AVOIDING SPOILERS) is sadder because ROMANTIC LOVE and LITTLE BABY and OMG it's Harry again. But I'm getting ahead of myself, as usual.

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    1. OMG DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THAT COUPLE.

      I am going to RAGE when it gets to the last bit.

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    2. Oh man I don't really specifically remember which couple you're referencing. This is very exciting.

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  4. Oh my GOD, dead Sirius!! My sorrow is not so bad that I didn't giggle at that. In fact, I still am giggling about it. Truth.

    Your alternate ending is kind of awesome. Let's all believe it and not read the rest, yes?

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    1. My Neil just said it accidentally while I was writing this blog post. We stared at each other for a good five minutes. Of course the internet had beaten us to the joke, but I was still super impressed.

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  5. I feel like that alternate ending is the premise of a truly excellent British sitcom.

    And the Dead Sirius thing KILLS me. (Haha, so punny!)

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    1. I would SO watch that. You've got a constant source of comical conflict with Hagrid bringing home super dangerous creatures that destroy everything. "Who else but Hagriiiid! *musical jingly bit*"

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  6. No amount of Tragic Character Death could take away from my sheer delight at that first pic. CENTAUR OF ATTENTION INDEED. I'm going to have to pull that one out for cheersies when MY favorite character dies.

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    1. It's very effective for short-term happies.

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  7. Those centaurs are SCANDALOUS, with their bare chests and their tails cheekily swishing through the forest. Adds a whole new meaning to "Forbidden Forest," amiright? Which leads me to wonder...how do centaurs make more centaurs if they're all dudes? Is THAT what they stole Umbridge for? GAH!

    (Also, "Anti-Umbridge Centaur Brigade." That's goin' on a shirt one of these days.)

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    1. Even Umbridge doesn't deserve to birth a centaur. Gah, indeed.

      We are going to have a whole line of readalong-related shirts!

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  8. Awwww, I totally get not wanting to dwell on the tragedy of it all. The sadness is wearing me out!

    And agreed, venting one's spleen is a gross expression, even if it is old. Yuck.

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  9. I like and want your ending to be true. I also briefly considered just stopping, which is how I've previously dealt with this re-reading this book. But I couldn't just stop this readalong, so really all of this sad feelings are kinda you guys's fault. And JK's. Makes me want to vent my spleen.

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